This is a tough one to write. It’s probably why it has taken me so long to publish it. I had hoped this post would be ALL about my first solo trip in Greta. Alas…there’s more to tell here. I have lived most of my life seeking validation from others. I promote my worth through the eyes of everyone but me. Hoping that if the people see my strength and perseverance, I won’t have to be vulnerable. I can align to a hero’s story about how I grew up, what I overcame, and all the gold stars I’ve collected over the years to give you a hopeful story to grasp to. I can save you, but I certainly don’t need anyone to save me. This is my feeble attempt at real talk – the other side of my strength.

The truth is that since leaving my relationship in February, the Devil has given my mind a real run for its money. The number of times that I heard “Betsy, you’re one of the strongest people I know. You’ll get through this,” while I nodded and held back tears.  All the while, the voice in my head taunting loudly, “…but will you?”   

The story I was telling about my healing journey did not include the part that I was experiencing panic attacks up to twice a week. I would be washing dishes and suddenly my chest would tighten. Tried to take a breath in, but couldn’t. Started to take shallow breaths to avoid suffocating with no relief. Lose physical control of my body – collapsing to the floor or flung over a counter in a pile of hysterical tears. I trained Jackson to lick my face or lay full-body on me to confuse my senses. My 85 pound reset button. 

After several weeks of being a panic attack landmine, I decided to play a little game of crazy pill Bingo with my psychiatrist. I don’t use this phrase to be demeaning. I use it because it truly felt like I was sitting in a Bingo hall with a card printed with options like 20mg Lexipro, 150mg Wellbutrin, 15mg Buspiron, bonus square: 1 mg Lorazepam (as needed). My psychiatrist calling out random meds and dosages in hopes that we could find a winning combination that would allow me the prize of zero to one panic attacks a month. Please note that when she explained to me how to titrate off the Lexipro and onto the Wellbutrin and Buspirone – I had a panic attack. The irony.

In the middle of this game of crazy pill Bingo, I packed up my pills, Greta, Jackson and headed out on my solo journey through Wyoming and Montana. I played guitar, went to a festival, pushed Greta up some pretty gnarly roads for some of the most beautiful campsites I could imagine – all the things that should have been the center of this blog post. Certainly some glimmers of sunlight.