Welcome to the Land of the Lost
April 19, 2023
“Yikes,” my Dad yelped out. I laughed ironically. “Yikes is right. I did not see this coming,” I choked out through tears and a nervous giggle. The life I had pictured a year ago – becoming a wife, building a life in a house we bought, adventuring as an “us” – evaporated in what felt like a minute but also months. I had been here before but this hit differently. A week before I laid out under the stars in Mexico hoping for some sort of Lion King moment from God. I got exactly what I asked for. THAT was the difference: accepting the outcome. Embracing the chaos. Stop trying so hard.
I have spent most of my life thinking that if I did this or did that, I could control any outcome. I could earn love, approval, gold stars, money, success, a husband. I could paint the picture that I thought everyone would want to see and get my accolades. Then COVID shut the world down and I woke up. Rather than looking outward I learned to stare my demons in the face and shake their hand, thank them for coming. A friend told me the other day that I was the best Betsy back then. Back then…woof. It feels so far away now.
As the story goes, I met a man. A man that I knew would change my life. I had a feeling about him and I was right – he felt special. I became a “we”. I pictured what it would be like to be his wife, his life partner. We immediately entangled our lives from our hearts to our finances. It was glorious, until it wasn’t. You see, I had another lesson to learn. It was easy to look inward and be your own Hero when you’re standing alone. It was much harder to do in a relationship when you have a codependent roommate in your head and a partner struggling hard with his own vibe. I dove head first into giving all of myself to earn his love and approval, twisting and turning in hope of being enough – just to find another waypoint. I forced myself into situations that I thought would earn me my gold stars. I blamed him for turning away from me because I wasn’t “enough”, when I had turned away from us too because I turned away from myself to some external end game. I just couldn’t see that My Hero (my true self) had been buried by my desire to be everything to someone else, when I just needed to accept that I only had to be enough for myself. The rest would come. And boy, oh boy did our demons come out to play together. No friendly handshakes this time.
So yea, I did not see this coming. Until it hit me in the face on a beach in Mexico (cliche right?). It was time to thank that man for his lessons and return to myself to unbury My Hero. To accept that I can’t control the outcome and that the picture I painted a year ago was just a snapshot in time. But how do you have the courage to jump when you can’t be sure where you’ll land? As Glennon Doyle Melton says, “Just do the next right thing, one thing at a time.” The next right thing feels like separating, hopping in a van and getting back to where I feel closest to My Hero and closest to God – in the woods (with work-approved wifi of course). A coworker dubbed it, “Live, Life, Van…”
As I write this, I can picture some of you smiling – giving me a hell yea, some rolling their eyes and others somewhere in between. I accept any of those outcomes. It turns out that life is not linear for some and for me that’s what makes it beautiful. I wasn’t wrong about that man changing my life. He did and I am grateful to him for that. Now, I’m ready to paint a new picture that looks perfect to just me, Betsy B. The rest will come…
Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all. When there's a big disappointment, we don't know if that's the end of the story. It may just be the beginning of a great adventure.
1 thought on “I Did Not See This Coming”
hi nice blog
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